What the love is.

Interesting and hard to answer question.

It could be almost impossible to get a definition, and it is not the main goal of my comments here.

I will speak about my own experience and it is based in the following sources:

My own experience.
The people who I saw and see around me.
The books that I read.
Conferences, speeches, good TV programs and interviews (analysis).

I believe that love can have two stages: "falling in love" and "real love".

Maybe the first step is "falling in love" and maybe after this period the "real love" can start.

"Falling in Love"

It is very hard to explain why we "fall in love" it could be because one or many reasons maybe they are:

Body attraction / Sex appeal.
Security needs.
Needing to be loved
Tenderness needs.
Sexual needs
Needing a family
Looking for the beauty
Intellectual attraction
Or many others…

The interesting points are, when we fall in love:

Some times we do not use the "brain" to asses the person and the circumstances.
We became "blind" to personal defects of body defects (of the other person).
We easily accept defects, bad moods, or other things that we usually do not accept as easy.
We can forget and accept cultural and social and economical differences.
We can forget advices from friends and family.
But maybe the most powerful effect is that we "idealize" the person.

When we idealize the person, then we create an "image" about her or him. The main problem here is that we are having an "image", in other words, we are inventing a lover who can exist only in our minds and maybe he or her does not correspond 100% to the reality.

What is the problem here?

If we invent a "great image", I mean, a "great lover" or a "great person" then sooner or later we are going to discover that this "great lover" does not exist. The bigger image, the worst punch.

If we invent a "great lover" then we could be very frustrated when we discover that he or she does not exist.

The frustration could finish the love, and of course it could be the end of the relation.

We could feel that we were cheated, or we could understand that we were idealizing. It will depend on the person and it could be difficult to predict our own reactions but if we understand this process we can understand it and take the best and sober decisions.

How much time will "the eternal love" last?

I have a good friend who says "the eternal love will last three months". There is some part of the truth here (maybe). And I have another friend who says a vulgar non polite sentence… "You are going to be fully in love until you have sex with her… after that, you will find the end of the love… so the love lasts until you are hot…".

What I read from different serious authors (for example: Alberto Orlandini, Alberoni or Allan Peace)… that the "falling in love stage" could last days, months, and up two years, and in some cases it could last three of four years… what they found is that it is extremely difficult to keep this stage for more than five years. The average range is between three months and two years. You can see the divorcing rate and statistics in many Countries. Maybe the 50% or more of the divorces will occur within five first years.

After we fall in love…

The main recommendation is do not idealize too much, it is hard but we have to try… we have to try to keep a sober position… if we do not idealize too much we can walk to the next stage "the real love".

Falling in love is connected with passion. Maybe we can not avoid idealizing but the idea is that we can understand it and try to do not idealize too much because we can get a "lovesickness"… obviously "lovesickness" is a special matter and it needs a long and deep analysis. And there are many kinds of expressions of "lovesickness".

We have to understand than idealizing is part of our nature as human been. The lack of it could be a sickness, and the other side, too much of it could be a sickness too.

But without idealizing we could not have the "Divina Comedia" of Dante Alighieri, who idealized "Beatriz" in his personal life and then in his masterpiece novel. Or maybe we could not read about many thoughts of "Miguel de Cervantes" because the conspicuous "Quixote" idealized "Aldonza" in such extreme that she was part of his fantasies and marvelous stories. The poets, singers and many people get inspiration when they are idealizing.

Finally. We can recognize when we are falling in love and understand that this stage is temporary and wonderful, but there is another stage, so the next step is the "the real love" and it is different than the first one.

The "Real Love".

If we can survive the "falling in love" period then we can see the "real person". This is the time to accept him or her with qualities and defects. We have to accept physical and personal defects, cultural differences, and any kind of things that can disturb us. If we can accept the other person in the way she or he is then we can start the "Real Love". If not, then we are going to leave the relation and it will be the end of the story. We can not feel guilty is we can not accept another person, we have to be honest, but in the other hand, if we really can accept her or him then a marvelous world is approaching.

I believe the "Real Love" has three areas:

Body
Heart
Mind

I feel that we need a balance between these areas. The balance is not easy to reach but the good news is that it is possible. Everybody can have a different approaching about how to make this balance, I mean, which one is the most important area? It depends on each person, but some kind of balance is necessary. Obviously the utopia thinking leads us to think that the perfect balance is the goal.

But here we can have a complicated situation. We can have our own "triangle" and our own way to balance it. And what about the other person? She or he has his or her own triangle. So each one of us can have different way to balance the triangle.

The main point is that the couple needs this triangle. And the differences can make very interesting the life. But our own triangle is still important.

The body.

It is body attraction. Sex appeal. I feel that this feeling is stronger in the men than in women. It is natural attractor. It is connected with the body's needs. It will be connected with the sexual activity. We can have some "inner esthetic standards". Each one can have his or her own "standards". It could play an important role in the beginning of a relation. The body will lead to some kind of passion.

The heart.

The heart is connected with tenderness. We can feel so well when we are with the other person. We can need to take care of the other person. And we need to feel that some one (the other person) is taking care us. We want good things happening to the other person. The other person wishes good things happening to us.

We have to be careful with this area. Because we can love with the heart, but we can love our family, friends and even pets. I mean, a Mother can feel tenderness for her baby. I can feel tenderness for my "pet" or s student. Here we have good wishes and good feelings. This area is not easy to explain but we can feel it very well. We can feel so comfortable with the other person.

The mind.

We use the brain. We asses the person's situation using the brain. We can be the best friend of our partner. We can have a shared project of life. Even we can asses economical conditions. It could be convenient to be with the other person. We can share experiences, making plans, having interesting chats. We can get the mutual understanding. Life could be interesting. One can learn from the other and vice versa. We can grow together as person. We can share values and have a shaped and leaded life by our values. We can design and build a family. We can share interest and we can have deals and "contracts" (like the marriage contract). We can think "this person and relation are convenient for me". A strong friendship leaded by shared values can appear. We can have shared expectation and goals. Or we can receive support for our own decisions and goals and projects, and vice versa.

What kind of problems can appear?

The lack of one or two of these areas, or huge weakness in one or two of these areas can lead us to many problems, I mean, "lovesickness". Many experts called the group of this kind of "lovesickness" as "dysfunctional couples" or "empty love couples".

For example you can have "body" but the lack of the other two areas will lead you to a relation with no future. Or you can have "heart" and "body", but it will be so hard to develop a good project of life, and the everyday life could be boring. Or the lack of "body" can lead us to affairs and sexual adventures, or to a very frustrating sexual life.

Changes during the time.

Maybe some people can start with a strong "body" area, but maybe the trend is that "heart" and "mind" will become stronger than the firs one.

The perfect balance?

Maybe it is impossible to get a perfect balance between "heart", "mind" and body. There is no perfect person. But we can reach some level of balance that can give us a permanent, strong, happy and monogamy relation. But love is a "process" and it is a decision, so we have to work in the three areas for the rest of our lives. We are not "finished products".

What about relations?

We can not pretend to have a perfect relation, or a perfect love, because it is impossible to be a perfect person.

What we can do is avoiding some risks. First, I we fall in love then we can try to enjoy the moment and try do not idealizing too much. If we survive, then we have to think in keeping a good balance in our triangle (body, heart and mind). In the body we can try to keep attractive and we can be creative and "open mind" in our sexual activities, we can keep alive the passion, we can avoid the routine. In the heart we can keep developing good feelings, and do not forget the tenderness and the romantic touch, we can try to take care our beloved person. In our mind we can try to be the best friend of our couple, we have to follow our shared values, and we can develop a productive shared project of life, and give support to the personal projects of our couple and ask for support for our personal projects.

Finally, we can choose to be happy. Happiness could be a decision. It is a good idea "to be happy".

The love and the internet.

Definitively the information revolution and the information technology are dramatically changing our world. The internet has changed our world and lives. Speaking about this revolution is a huge matter, and it is not possible to speak about it in these lines. But if the internet changed our lives, then, what about love? It seems to me a huge topic.

The internet represents a new window for the human relations, and it is becoming in a new path for people who is looking for the love. Maybe most of us have "one friend who found his (or her) beloved in the internet". There are many ways for this. Some one can introduce to us a person by "e-mail" and with the time we can meet this person in the "real world". We can meet some one in a "chat room". We can try to find our beloved in a special site for "introducing singles". Or we can try to find our beloved in an "Internet Marriage Agency" (very popular in the FSU Countries).

The "cyber space" is opening a huge window for the love and there are appearing many phenomena.

The cyber personalities.

I can show different parts of my personality in the internet, and maybe some parts are difficult so show in the real life, or maybe they do not exist in the real life. I can be a "cyber conqueror" but in the real life I can be shy, for example. There are, maybe, advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages.

I am not face to face, so I can say exactly why I think.
We can be able to speak about many topics (like sex) without restrictions.
If I am using a system in "non real time" like the traditional e-mail, then I can think twice my answers and shape and improve my communication.
I can reach people from my city of from any Country in the world.
I am not a very good English speaker or writer, then I can have time and help to translate my words.
And many others.

Disadvantages.

I can fake my personality.
I can cheat people.
I can show a different person that the one that I am.
Even I can fake that I am a woman if I am a man or vice versa.
I can play with the people.
And many others.

The cyber lovers.

There are people who can keep a "cyber romance" without meeting ever. It is an interesting game and experts are working ad researching in this area.

The cyber sex.

The sex with words in a chat and many times with photos and even with cameras. There are free spaces or maybe you can pay for it (the new and modern version of the "hot lines").

The cyber cheaters.

There are people who have a couple and maybe there are married, and they find a time to have a "cyber lover" in the internet. They can have even "cyber sex", the sex with words in a chat (some times with photos and even with cameras). They can have romantic chats. They can keep some kind of friendship. Or maybe they can develop some kinds of feelings. But they are not going to meet the "cyber lover" never. The affair will be only in the cyber space.

There are "cyber detectives" in the USA, and they can help you if you want to discover if your couple is having a "cyber romance". There is a woman who is divorced now because his ex husband was having a "cyber affair" (he never met the lady in the real life, by the way).

Looking for affairs.

There are people looking only for affairs in the internet. The internet in one more space for this and not only visiting bars or clubs.

Looking for serious relations.

There are people looking for serious relations. There are many people who they found their beloved in the internet and many got married in this way.

The perfect woman.

We are starting to get used to the perfect women on the net (or men). I mean, some one can improve an image and we can see girls, perfect girls, perfect and attractive bodies, perfect faces. But these kinds of beautiful people only exist in the cyber space. We can feel frustrated if we want to find these perfect ladies in the reality, even if they are real actresses (for example).

The Internet Marriage Agencies.

There are spread on the net a huge amount of marriage agencies, especially in the FSU Countries.

It seems that the propose of these agencies is try to help people to find his or her beloved using many kind of services that these agencies can provide them.

The main trend is "ladies looking for men", obviously there are services for "Men looking for ladies". But the most of the agencies are showing ladies. I am going to be focused on the agencies of "ladies looking for men", and basically when you are looking for a lady from other Country.

But each agency can have its own goals, for example.

"Fake agencies": they have no ladies, they have a masterpiece site and want to cheat and get money. Even they can show images of real models.

"Window agencies": they are like a window showing ladies. They interested in getting money because they can sell memberships to the site, translating and sending letters, and selling gifts and flowers. Some times they can arrange meetings, rent apartments and giving services as interpreters and car drivers. And in some cases "phone calls" using internet or regular phones and a three part way for the translations. They are not interested on who are the ladies, because many times they can put their profiles "on line". Here the men have high possibilities about finding the so called "scammers" (ladies cheating men, and looking for money, there are ladies who put model photos or good photos of a pretty lady in order to attract men). They are not interested on what can happen to the clients or ladies, I mean, it is not important to see if the clients are really getting married. The more clients, the best.

"Corresponding and travel agencies": these agencies are focused in the operation, I mean, the main business is translating letters and arranging meetings and sending gifts. And in some cases "phone calls" using internet or regular phones and a three part way for the translations. They can sell many services like a travel agency like renting flats, car drivers, interpreters, and so on. They know all the ladies, so the have some kind of control in order to avoid the "scammers". They want to sell services, some times with very good quality. But they are not very interested in the results of the meetings. Maybe the man can find their beloved or not, but their efforts as company are focused in opening the opportunity with many services but not in a good "matching" process between ladies and men. After they arrange the meeting the client and lady are by their own.

"Marriage Agencies": they try to see the results of the meetings, they can help if one man wants to find a good match with the ladies. Like the other agencies they have all the services that the clients can need. They can translate letters and arranging meetings and sending gifts. And in some cases "phone calls" using internet or regular phones and a three part way for the translations. They can sell many services like a travel agency like renting flats, car drivers, interpreters, and so on. They know all the ladies, so the have some kind of control in order to avoid the "scammers". They can offer very good quality services. And they are interested in their quality and in the results of the meetings.

The process of love in the agency. Falling in love?

This is a new land to discover. This is a real challenge for ladies and men. It seems to me that it will depend in each person. It could be an unpredictable matter.

If we consider the two steps for the love (Falling in love and real love), we have to ask some questions.

Can I fall in love with a profile (Image)?
Maybe the answer will be connected with the "body" area. Obviously it will be a very personal decision.

Can I fall in love with letters?
Maybe the answer will be connected with the "heart" and "mind" areas. I have to consider if I am able to feel "tenderness" for a human been who is writing me. And I have to consider is this person is convenient for me and we share similar values and we can share a project of life.
Here the critical points are if I am writing the truth and the other person is writing the truth. If both are honest people then the chances are very good.

Can I fall in love during the meetings?
If I can give enough time and I can see and hear attentively then I am going to get the answer. And of course it will be only a personal decision.
What I consider is that we are looking for the "real love", and it will need time (years?)… But falling in love can occur or not. But we can feel if we are really falling in love or not when we meet the real person, all the previous process with the agency is only the first step, in some cases we can be very close from it, but it will be only complete during the meetings.
Here the great risk is "idealizing". So we could get very frustrated if we are idealizing too much and have no good results.
The marriage agency can help you opening the door and no more, but the results will be matter of the people and this complex process of love.
Finally, I have two important questions, for me these questions are essential and necessary if I want to use a Marriage Agency. I can try to get the answer of the first one but second one (for the second one I need an honest communication with the lady).

Why Do I need to use a Marriage Agency? Why does she need to use a Marriage Agency?
After we get the answers we can find interesting conclusions. Maybe our own stories (of our lives) can tell us many things about why we want to find a person in the agency. Maybe the agency is for us, or maybe not. "It is up to you".

Long distance relations.

The internet and the agency can help us with the communication. Of course it helps a lot but we have to be sure that we are having a good mixture between falling in love and the "triangle" of the real love.

"Falling in love" can provides us a lot of energy to keep a long distance relation, but we have a limit (time). Here it is important to do not go beyond this limit. And we have the risk of idealizing more and more.

If we can see a good "triangle" of the real love, if we consider that we can have good balance in the future, then we can get energy and patience for a long distance relation. But here we have the same risk, there is a limit on time, we have to avoid going beyond this limit.

Crossing the limit we can leave the idea, or maybe we can start to live a fantasy.

The final challenge.

The internet and the agencies are only a gate. You can only be sure about your process of love when you live and share your life with the other person, and not before. We have to consider this complex process (our inner process) in the agency. If we choose this way then we must be ready to be patient and keep trying.

Some Conclusions.

It is really hard to get conclusions about the love process.

What I can say is that falling in love is marvelous and beautiful, but it is temporary and we can idealize. Idealizing too much can carry the risk of a hard crash against to the reality and frustration can appear. If we survive the falling in love step we can start the real love stage. For the real love we need to develop the areas of mind, body and heart. With a good balance between these areas we can think in a long last relation and happiness can appear. Happiness is a decision.

The internet and information revolution provide us better communication media. The communication is essential for the love, so the internet cal help in the process. But internet is a media, a tool, but it can not substitute the love.

If we know what we want then a marriage agency can help us to find the beloved person that we are looking for. But we have to choose a serious agency trying to avoid scammers. And we have to think that the agency is only the gate, maybe a big one, but the process of love is still in our hands and it is still complex (with or without the agency). The lady in the agency has her own feelings and she is going to live her own process. If both people match, the process will start but keeping all its characteristics. But this process is complex, so we have to patient and keep trying.

The love is a non controlled process (it is very complex), but we can understand it, and maybe we can take some actions and decisions in order to be happy.

Finally I have my favorite questions:

Do you need me because you love me? Or, Do you love me because you need me?

After all, I really think that the love is a cool idea, and I like it.